Joe Biden used to have sparkly blue eyes. Look up any photograph of Biden from 10 years ago, when he used to have most of his faculties, and you’ll see a much different look from the Joe Biden that we just saw last week. Assuming that you at least saw clips of his bizarre, totalitarian COVID speech, you probably noticed Biden’s eyes. They’re black now. Blacker than the blackest night. As black as the pit of hell. It’s like staring into the void of a cold, uncaring, soulless universe and knowing that there’s nothing behind those tarry ovals but the madness of the deep. What the heck is going on with Joe Biden’s eyes?

I’ve known plenty of elderly people in my lifetime, including several with severe dementia like Joe Biden. But I’ve never seen anyone whose eyes – whether they were blue or brown to begin with – simply turned black overnight due to a medical condition. I’ve even known a few people who I would genuinely classify as outright “evil.” (I interviewed Howard Dean for ABC News, once upon a time.) Their eyes weren’t as creepy and dead-black as Joe Biden’s eyes have turned at some point in the last few weeks.

Eyeballs don’t just “turn black” through any natural process or due to any disease that medical science is aware of… so, what gives? Why does Joe Biden look like he’s auditioning to become one of Marilyn Manson’s backup singers?

I decided to enlist the help of the members of a social media site that I belong to in researching this question. I’m not ready to share the name of this community yet, but suffice it to say that it is an exclusive, paid site with some strict rules: No SJWs are allowed on the site, blasphemy rules are strictly enforced, and using swears or curse words will get you kicked off (many families who use the site are home-schoolers whose children use the site for research purposes). It’s a site that has several hundred thousand users; all are Trump supporters, most are preppers and/or Christians, and most are extremely charming and intelligent over-achievers. And somehow, they let me join.

Anyway, I polled the way-above-average-IQ members of this exclusive social media site, and there’s actually a consensus as to why Joe Biden’s eyeballs now look like twin-mirror pits of black hell. Ready for it?

Joe Biden has been fitted with “smart contacts” that utilize technology that’s not available to the general public yet.

I caught holy hell a few months ago from people after suggesting that Joe Biden had been fitted with Rush Limbaugh-style cochlear implants to cheat in the debates with Donald Trump. It was obvious that Biden was receiving some sort of cheating assistance at the time, because his performance in the first debate was way better than any campaign appearance that he had made in recent months. And in my defense, it wasn’t MY theory; it was the theory of body language experts who analyzed Biden’s performance. I just… happened to believe them! Biden was obviously receiving some kind of help.

The “smart contacts” theory actually sounds better with hindsight 20/20. Remember when one of Joe’s eyes turned blood-red in one of the primary debates? That could have been an earlier prototype of the smart lenses that he’s using now.

What’s a “smart contact lens,” you ask?

It’s a contact lens that can display information on a screen directly… on your eyeballs, I guess. Sony, Google, Samsung, Columbia University Medical Center, the Swiss and the US Department of Defense are all working on “smart lenses” these days, since “smart glasses” from Google and other companies managed to creep everyone out and tanked that technology. The lenses allegedly have a CPU, battery, data storage and the ability to display text that only the wearer can see.

One theory is that Biden was using some sort of audio assistance in his first days in office (you know… like a cochlear implant??), but after the embarrassing “salute the Marines” fiasco they switched out to these smart lenses. That makes sense. Keep in mind that a lot of DARPA and defense technologies exist one to two decades before they hit the civilian market.

Anyway, the consensus in my social circle is that Joe Biden has been fitted with some jazzy contact lenses that help him to focus and only say what his handlers want him to say. And that’s why his eyes look like the black pit of hell when you look straight at him. Any other theories?