Millions of left-wing activists took to the streets on Saturday to protest the fact that they lost an election. The so-called “No Kings” rallies were organized by over 200 progressive groups — the ACLU, MoveOn, the American Federation of Teachers, and something called the “50501 Movement” (which sounds like a ZIP code that got lost on the way to becoming a real organization). Organizers claim 8 million people showed up, which would make it the largest single-day protest in American history.

We have some oceanfront property in Nebraska to sell these people.

Eight million! For context, that’s more than the entire population of 38 US states. The organizers apparently counted every person who drove past a rally on the way to Costco. At the flagship event in St. Paul, Minnesota, they claimed 200,000 attendees. The Minnesota State Patrol’s estimate? Fifty thousand. The state’s Department of Public Safety later bumped it to 100,000 — still half of what the organizers were bragging about.

These people count crowds the way Elizabeth Warren counts her Cherokee ancestry.

In Boston, organizers threw out a nice round 150,000, though — oops — “that number has not been verified by law enforcement.” In previous rounds of these protests, independent analysts estimated the real figures were 1 to 2 million lower than what the press releases claimed. Funny how the “party of science” can never seem to get basic arithmetic right.

But here’s where it gets really fun. The same people who spent five years calling January 6th the worst attack on democracy since Pearl Harbor showed up to their own “peaceful” rallies wearing shields, gas masks, and respirators. You know — standard attire for a Sunday afternoon of civic engagement.

In Los Angeles, 74 people were arrested after things went exactly the way they always go when Antifa-adjacent “activists” get bored holding signs. Protesters tried to rip down a chain-link fence at the Metropolitan Detention Center and started hurling rocks, bottles, and broken concrete blocks at federal officers. Two DHS officers took concrete to the body and had to receive medical treatment.

Meanwhile, a 71-year-old grandmother named Rebecca Lavrenz is still facing federal charges for *standing inside the Capitol* on January 6th. She didn’t throw anything. She didn’t assault anyone. She prayed. The feds want her in prison. But 74 people in LA who hurled concrete at cops? We’re sure the congressional investigation will be launching any day now.

One genius in LA was arrested for carrying a dagger. A dagger! Who brings a medieval weapon to a protest? Was Sir Lancelot unavailable so they sent his understudy?

Over in Dallas, masked Antifa goons — one literally wearing a dog mask with “Antifa” scrawled on it — jumped a Trump supporter who was filming the event. “They pepper sprayed me and punched me in the face,” the man told the Dallas Express. Reporter Carlos Turcios and commentator Alex Stein got roughed up too. In Portland, because it wouldn’t be a national protest without Portland losing its mind, federal agents deployed tear gas and flash-bangs after 500 protesters surrounded an ICE facility. Three arrests there. Nine more in Denver after another “small group” decided that throwing smoke canisters at cops counts as free speech.

Oh, and the celebrity lineup was *spectacular*.

Bruce Springsteen dragged his acoustic guitar to Minneapolis and told the crowd that “federal troops brought death and terror to the streets of Minneapolis” this past winter. Bruce charges $500 a ticket these days to sing about how much he understands your pain. He understands it from his $50 million estate in Colts Neck, New Jersey, where he has never once had to worry about whether the grocery bill was going to clear.

Then Robert De Niro recorded a video saying he wakes up every morning “depressed” because of Trump. Bobby, you starred in *Dirty Grandpa*. You should wake up depressed every morning because of *that*.

Bernie Sanders got up and invoked the names of protest “martyrs,” doing the Che Guevara routine he’s been perfecting since the Johnson administration. Bernie is 83 years old. He owns three houses. The revolution has been very, very good to Comrade Sanders.

But my absolute *favorite* moment was Governor Tim Walz taking the stage and calling federal agents “untrained, aggressive thugs.” This is the same Tim Walz who sat on his hands for three days while Minneapolis burned in 2020 because he couldn’t figure out how a phone works. Tampon Tim knows all about standing by while cities get destroyed — he just prefers to be on the arsonists’ side of the barricade.

The White House response was beautiful. Spokesperson Abigail Jackson dismissed the whole thing as “Trump Derangement Therapy Sessions” and added that “the only people who care about these are the reporters who are paid to cover them.” When asked about the previous round of protests back in October, she had an even better answer: “Who cares?”

Exactly right.

We all voted in November. We won. They lost. Now they’re out there throwing concrete at federal officers, assaulting journalists, and calling it “resistance” while claiming 8 million people showed up to watch Bruce Springsteen strum sad songs about an America that doesn’t want him back.

Here’s a prediction: by Friday, the “8 million” number will be printed as established fact in the New York Times, the Washington Post will run a 3,000-word profile on one of the concrete-throwers calling her “a mother fighting for democracy,” and if you bring up the two DHS officers who got hospitalized, some blue-check named “Dr. Rachel” with pronouns in her bio will call you a fascist. Book it.

—