The Commission on Presidential Debates has scheduled three debates between Joe Biden and Donald Trump later this year! The scheduled dates are September 16, October 1, and October 9. We can’t wait! It will be so exciting to see these candidates square off and discuss the issues that are so important to Americans. That way we can all choose which one we’d like to vote for!

We’re obviously being sarcastic here. What we’re really wondering is, what is the Commission on Presidential Debates thinking? Did they not receive the memo?

There is zero chance that Joe Biden, who pooped his pants in front of the Pope, is going to stand up and debate President Donald Trump for a full hour—let alone for three full hours. He’s far too shot. There’s no possible way these debates will happen. And to legitimize not doing any presidential debates, they also won’t do the vice-presidential debate.

Can you imagine Kamala Harris trying to survive a debate against Sen. J.D. Va—

Oh… whoops. Don’t think we were supposed to let that slip out yet. Ignore that sentence!

The Trump campaign is hilariously responding to this by pretending that the debates are actually going to happen and that Joe Biden is functional enough to participate in them. The campaign sent a letter to the Commission on Presidential Debates this week, demanding that the debates be moved up to earlier dates. They have a good point.

By the time of the first debate on September 16, more than one million people will have cast early ballots. By October 1, more than three million will have voted early. And by October 9, approximately 8.7 million have cast early ballots. The debates need to take place before any votes have been cast.

The voters deserve to see these two robust candidates go toe-to-toe in a serious discussion of the issues!

Think back to the US Senate race in Pennsylvania in 2022. John Fetterman had had a terrible stroke and was barely functional. The media went out of their way to hide this from the voting public. Until the first debate.

The very first words out of Fetterman’s mouth during the debate were, “Good night, everyone!” It didn’t improve from there. The whole world suddenly realized the shocking truth after that night—John Fetterman was a drooling troglodyte who looked like he had escaped from the Island of Dr. Moreau, and who could not form complete sentences. Imagine being duped into voting for that and then later realizing what you’d done. Fetterman completely tanked in the polls after that night.

Unfortunately for the voters of Pennsylvania, far too many people had already cast early ballots and it was too late. (Fetterman’s condition has surprisingly improved since then.)

It would have had an impact on the 2020 election as well if the debates had happened before early voting. As many as 17% of Democrat voters have said in polls that they wouldn’t have voted for Diaper Joe if they had known about the contents of Hunter Biden’s horrifying laptop. These Democrats specifically said they would never have voted for Biden if they had known he was taking all those bribes from China and Ukraine.

There’s no chance that any Trump-Biden debates are going to take place, but if even one of them does happen, I have a suggestion.

The parties get to pick the audience members at presidential debates. The RNC and DNC each select local party loyalists to make up their half of the crowd. All the RNC’s guests should be young Republican families with small children—specifically with little girls between the ages of 5 and 8. Have them all wearing pretty dresses and pigtails and looking like little princesses.

Joe Biden will be so sexually aroused during the debate that he won’t be able to control himself. The Democrats would need to have a handler on stage hanging onto Joe’s elbow the whole time, to prevent him from lunging at his favorite targets.

Lester Holt will ask some dumb question about prescription drug prices, and Creepy Joe will respond, “Look at her! She looks 18! Honey, do you want to hold my hand and walk over into this dark corner with me?”

You know I’m right. The whole world would get to see on live television why Joe Biden’s own crackhead son nicknamed him “Pedo Peter.”

Make this happen, RNC!